20 February 2012

The Game Has Spoken

So a little while ago I played MASH for the first time since 1997. That's right, MASH. Remember MASH? 


Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. You choose options for different categories, such as future spouse, job, income, pet, number of children, car, death, etc. Then you draw a spiral, and when the person you are MASHing says stop, you count the number of lines in the spiral. Using that number, you then count through the options, eliminating the ones you land on.

Everybody plays it differently. Some people are boring, and only do 4 categories (house, spouse,  kids, income) but me and my friends tried to include as many categories as possible.

Most of my friends would end up with pretty good results, like marrying Leonardo DiCaprio and living in a mansion and driving a porsche.




MASH wasn't all Leo and Porsches for me though. I always ended up with the lame results, like living in a Shack with a Hobo.




Sometimes I'd end up living in a Shack with Leo, but what's the fun in that?






That turned extremely emotionally abusive really quickly, didn't it...

Turns out I'm still really unlucky when it comes to the game of MASH. After letting my 15-year-old sister Annie and her friend Maggie do MASH on me, it looks like I still have quite the dysfunctional and bizarre life ahead of me.

Even though I asked them to please put Sean as every single option for Spouse, they still included a Hobo (I guess I look like I'd be the type to marry a homeless person...) and Harry Potter.

Turns out I'm going to marry Harry Potter.





Which wouldn't be too bad, even though he's, you know, a FICTIONAL CHARACTER. But then what if I married one of my versions of adult Harry? (See here: http://www.verbal-vomit.com/2011/07/harry-potter-needs-therapy.html)

"Hannah, when are you going to stop somehow including Harry Potter in all of your posts?!" Never. The answer is never, so be quiet. 

Harry and I will live in an Apartment in Forks, Washington. I imagine Forks is actually a lovely little place. Or it was, before it was became a scary pilgrimage spot for die-hard Twilight - excuse me, Twihard - fans.You're probably thinking living in an apartment in a beautiful area of Washington state with Harry Potter doesn't sound too bad.

But then you also need to know that my occupation will be a Cat. I'll wait while you process that. YES A CAT.  It's a pretty ambiguous career, and Annie and Maggie really didn't have much to say on it besides "You're going to work as a Cat, Hannah." This could be a number of things, some of which I still haven't dared entertain the thought of.

So I'm going to pretend that I was bitten by a radioactive feral cat and turned into one.







It doesn't get better from here. How much money does one earn being a Cat? Well, no money, as it goes. As a Cat, I will be paid in Burritos. So that's good. I guess we'll never go hungry, right? Burritos all the time. Everyday burritos.





How will I get to and from my job as a Cat? I must have a car, or a mode of transportation, right? Not exactly. Of course, fate grants me the worst "car" ever.

I will be driving a Cardboard Box...wait for it....pulled by cats. This should make sense, since I am an occupational Cat. I'd like to imagine I am perhaps the Queen of the Cats, or...maybe its just as scary as you're imagining.







We also own a pet. You're probably thinking our pet will be a cat, since that would be a natural assumption to make, because of the whole team of cats that pull me around town. But we will actually have a pet Piece of Ham. I...really don't have an explanation for this one.





Over the years, Harry and I will become the proud parents of TEN children. Those poor children. A Burrito Cat (this is what I'm calling it now) as a Mother, and a fictional boy-wizard as a Father. Not to mention a disgusting pet. And since I'll probably be constantly strung out on whatever it was that made me think it was a good idea to keep a piece of ham as a pet, Harry will probably end up naming all of our kids really stupid things.




Once our children move out and go to Hogwarts or whatever, my entire life will go even more downhill.





I will, of course, eventually die. In this particular game of MASH we included how and when I will die. There is some good new and some bad news.

The good news (good?) is that I'll die at the ripe age of 90, probably looking like a big sack of flesh with some cat ears. The bad news, is that I will die in a freak explosion. All Annie and Maggie wrote down was Dryer+Flames. This didn't make sense to me at first, until they explained that I will be inside of a tumble dryer...which will then cause me to catch on fire.

Still didn't make sense. Still doesn't make sense. I've spent a while figuring out under what circumstances I would need to be in in order to meet my fiery end inside of a dryer. This is the best explanation I have.




That was the story of how my life is probably going to unravel into complete madness. If any of this actually happens, please kill me before it gets to the point where I'm screaming at a piece of ham.



39 comments:

brittna said...

One time Marlee MASHed me in church and I think your life is comparable to mine. Hahahahaha and I love your fat old lady cat legs- this made me literally lol

Ada Beth Croft said...

Every time you make a post I sit here and laugh till I'm crying. Thanks for posting such funny stuff.

-Ada

Bethany said...

I laughed so much. you are hillarious.

(with our MASHes we used to add on to the MASH part (ex: MASHOD (mansion apt, shack, house, outhouse, ditch) and so on.

Camilla said...

But you already yell at pieces of ham. Should...should I kill you now?

Emii Jay said...

Harry Potter's naming of your children put tears in my eyes. The good kind, from laughing so hard.

McKenzie King said...

how are you so funny?! I AM DYING!!

Harley said...

you need to be rich and famous immediately.

WDWDisneyDiva said...

Really, since you're a huge catlady living on burrito island, I'd say death by dryer is pretty darn kind. Hilarious as always. Thanks for the laugh.

Nicole said...

Laughed til I cried. Thanks.

Jacob said...

I love this so much! I laughed until I cried, and then kept laughing.

Laura said...

this put me into hysterics. thanks for posting!

Jamie said...

Brilliant stuff. I love Harry's expression when you're riding around in the cat-pulled cardboard box.

Please don't ever stop! (Writing blogs, that is, not riding around in the cat-pulled cardboard box. You can stop that now. Soon.)

Hannah Hillam said...

@brittna - I hope my legs don't really look like that when I get old. Also I'd LOVE to see Marlee MASH someone.

@Ada You're welcome! I'm glad I...made you cry?

@Bethany: Oh! I remember that! I think we'd do MASHO sometimes too. I've never done it with a Ditch, which would be hilarious.

@Camilla: You may kill me.

@Emii: Haha! I'm so glad. I mean, I thought nothing could get worse than Albus Severus, but apparently it can.

@McKenzie: Don't die. Also, thank you. :D

@Harley: OMG I wish.

@WDW: I feel like dryer death would be a pretty okay way to go, compared to the other options, which were even more grisly.

@Nicole, and Jacob: I'm seriously flattered that I made you laugh until you cried.

@Jamie: I will not stop. I will also not stop riding around in a cardboard box.

--jeff * said...

i came here to kill some time while i was waiting for after effects to render.

and soon i was laughing.

and more laughing.


....then you and harry started having kids.

and this place got scary.

i wanted to leave.

i still kept laughing, but my peanut butter and appricot preserves sandwich soon wasn't tasting very good and i was dearly wishing my render would finish up and that i could tear myself from this horrible back-to-the-future-part-two-esque alternate reality that had started out so whimsical and funny.

but i was rendering in HD and it just kept going, leaving me with no choice but to watch you die in a fiery dryer fire.

and when it was all done, i simply clicked "disturbing" and now i want to go home but i'm afraid the dirty feeling will still follow me.

well, a.e. just chimed, so my render's done.

keep up the good work, hannah. : )

Jeanna said...

Must remember not to read Verbal Vomit while my husband is putting children to bed.... Must not laugh so loudly I wake up the entire house.... Must go find tissue to wipe up streams of tears rolling down cheeks from trying to laugh quietly.... Must go play MASH.

Lindsey Manning. said...

Oh gosh Hannah, I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Thanks so much!
( I am sitting at the computer laughing my head off while my family is in the kitchen/living room...I wonder what they think of me...) Anyway- come over again soon!

olivia said...

I love picturing the actual MASH moment as it unfolded. Recently, I found my most recent game of MASH... some years before I married, and it was all picture perfect, practically, like it was rigged in my favor. Believe me, it is not as fun. Or funny. Except kind of now looking back on it and the creepiness of its accuracy.

But like I said, props to your MASH because of all you could illustrate and laugh about it now.

Garth, Sarah and Sophie said...

I love how your imagination doesn't stop with you marrying Harry Potter and being a cat, it continues to be progressively disturbing until concluding with your death.

I love you, Hannah. Keep 'em coming.

Annie said...

My friend and I were sitting in class reading this. We literally had to turn the computer off because we were laughing so hard and the professor was getting peeved. You are hilarious!

Jimi the Saint said...

Awesome.Thanks for the laugh. I am definatly following this blog. Good stuff.

Sierra ShaneĆ” said...

Omygoodness. This is one of the funniest pieces I have ever read. In my entire life.

dani_emerson said...

oh hannah... keep harry potter in them!!! i love me some hp and it makes everything so much funnier the way you percieve harry in each of your blogs!!! had me laughing so hard i was crying!! :)

Emsley said...

I was reading this in a library reading room with my fellow graduate students. I had to hold my mouth really tight closed so that I wouldn't burst out laughing, but then I had to pinch my close too so that loud bursts of air wouldn't come out when I was trying to suppress laughter. It must have looked pretty odd...

Harry feeding cigarettes to the ham was my favorite part. Cat-you eating the ham while asking to die was a close second.

ktpland said...

This is brilliant! I only luahged at loud at work once & managed to turn it into a cough! Never heard of MASH but I'm pretty scared if this is the outcome, I don't think I'll be taking part in such witchcraft! :P x

Noelle said...

I teach high school and I seriously burst out laughing in the middle of the quiz my students were taking. They thought I was crazy; I was just extremely amused. Thank you so much for brightening my day!

Tara Beckert said...

This post was awesome! Laughed the whole time:)

tsuchikun said...

OhmyGAWD!! One of my absolute favorite posts!! & can I just say, if Harry wasn't already needing therapy before this, he will now...
I just loved everything about this & the art was hilarious, I'm seriously curious as to what my neighbors are thinking of me right now- no music or tv on, alone in my dorm room, laughing like a maniac... Yup...
Thanks Hannah, now I'm going to have to play MASH with my roommate when she gets back & now I have some new category ideas!! ^-^

Ben said...

I love that you feed your pet piece of ham cigarettes. Like, what the random?

Bai said...

In the most literal sense, I have not laughed that hard since I was five years old and saw a puppet battle toilet paper on a hardwood floor.

The Craft-Arty Kid said...

This made me laugh out loud multiple times! Love it.
And I used to play Mash all the time with my friends. Ah memories..

Fllag Stickers said...

I was reading this in printing company a library reading room with my fellow graduate students label print. I had to hold cheap stickers printing my mouth really tight closed so that I wouldn't burst out laughing folded business cards,

Ivy said...

There are literally tears streaming down my cheeks. Bravo, bravo indeed.

LJ said...

I'm a friend of Jeff G. and found your blog through him and I'm just ridiculously glad I did. I'm weeping with mirth here. Yea, weeping.

term paper said...

Wow great memories are always there of 97 era...I am so pleased to see that how you perfectly depicted the human behaviors in your pencil cartoons really...!!!

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Meg N. said...

Funny funny funny. My roommate showed me this because, since I work at a Mexican restaurant and get discounts on/free food, I actually do get paid in burritos. It's awesome.

Anonymous said...

Omg, I was laughing so hard when I read this..l and then reread it. :D I love these parts:

TO THE BURRITO BANK! *ksshhhkh*
dryer fire...
BURRITO ISLAND!
WTF is happening
WHERE AM I.
Harry will end up naming our kids really stupid things.
Nobody's coming for you Harry... They've all forgotten you..
That was the story of how my life is probably going to unravel into complete madness. If any of this actually happens, please kill me before it gets to the point where I'm screaming at a piece of ham.

I was laughing so hard all through this post. Did I already say that? I did, didn't I. Hm. That's probably how my life would turn out too, but every year I would have Harry slung on my back as we made our way through Comic-Con... I think I'm weirder than most people... Meh. I love your posts, so keep going! :D

-Lily

Anonymous said...

I love this so much. I actually come back and read it every time I'm needing to laugh really really hard. I have tears running down my face. Congratulations.